Snakes and The Bullet
by QuiteAlotOfSodaPop
Summary: An AU where Rango is a pet snake. Now Dirt wasn't used to having a sheriff that survived the first week or so, let along one that slithered and hissed. Possible Rango/Jake later on.
1. Chapter 1

**=All right time to get this fic started. It's going to mostly be a mess of drabbles set in an AU where Rango is a snake (no offense to the chameleon, I just wanted to play around with the character).**

**Heroic Conflict**

The Great (and Attractive) Snake-with-no-name was in a very unforeseen predicament. Barely moments before he was addressing his co-stars, the next he was thrown out of his human masters' car like a garbage bag on pick-up day.

He was notably even more surprised when his glass of water evaporated and two layers of leathery green skin instantly hardened and peeled away.

But that was nothing compared to the wise armadillo with a tire track running through his abdominal area.

"_You are a very lonely serpent..."_ the old mammal stated calmly, as he attempted to get back on his feet.

Those words were rattling around the boa's head for quite some time. He had friends darn it! Many of them! And some even romantically interested, like Miss Barbara Torso whom was added to his stage after she suffered a near-fatal attack by a deadly toddler.

After what seemed to be hours (actually just five minutes) of slithering through the burning sand and listening to mariachi music he swore he was just imagining, the snake began seeing shadows forming over his head.

"Don't move!" a sharp voice barked at him, making the serpent freeze into an awkward shape.

"Not moving!" he squeaked back in fear.

"Blend in." a yellow eye blinked out from what was supposed to be a rock. "Try not to act conspicuous."

Needless to say the reptile promptly scrambled to find at least some form of cover, but collided with a cactus and screamed quite loudly as needles poked through his "clothes" (a Ken doll Hawaiian shirt with the sleeves sewn shut).

Even his attempts to blend in only made the bird circling overhead more and more interested.

With a loud _screech!_ and a lot less manly scream from our hero, did the snake tried to bolt away only to be chased by the particularly hungry bird.

So far a good enough opening for the adventure thriller he been working on, but not one he wanted to act in. Next time he'd get a stunt double to do the action.

"**Cold Beans"**

As he lay down for sleep, the boa was sure that the cacti with faces were staring at him. A paranoia that re-visited him in dreamland along with a giant Mr Timms (who turned out to have a deep hispanic accent). The surreal dream came to a crashing halt as water strangled his lungs and tossed him straight into reality.

"_Perhaps sleeping in a drainage pipe wasn't the best idea."_ he mused thoughtfully, that is until he tried to scoop up whatever water he could gather into his mouth.

His frenzy came to an end when his tail accidentally wrapped around a well-polished black foot. Soon he came face-to-face with a double-barreled shotgun and a very pretty iguana.

"Get your slimy wet coils off my boots!"

Now Miss Beans had defiantly knew something was behind dumping water in the desert. The sudden appearance of a four-foot green serpent was an obvious red flag. He looked unarmed at least, even a little bit frightened.

She took a small amount of pride from that.

"Oh! Uh, S-sorry." he stammered nervously, straightening his body.

"I got a beat on you, stranger. You git up real slow. Or you wanna spend yer afternoon pickin' yer FACE back together!" she pushed the rifle closer, causing the snake to cower by lowering his head.

"N-no Ma'am I don't."

"Who are you?"

"W-who-?" his confusion was intensified by the gun jabbing under his chin..

"I'm askin' the questions here! Our town is drying up! We're in the middle of a drought, now someone's dumpin' water in the desert! Now it's a puzzle of undeterminable size and dimension but I tend to find out what role who're playing in all this!"

"Role?" the thespian's eyes widened in familiarity.

"What are you involved in?" the woman was looking him dead in the eyes.

"Oh! Well, I'm glad you asked; two one acts, a mystery, and a musical I've been working on. I've got the word but I need to find a melody right now it goes something like-" he trailed off into a humming mess of glee, completely unaware of the iguana's confusion and annoyance.

After he had finished his...whatever you might call it. The rancher looked at the snake with the dullest of looks.

"You ain't from around here are you?" she turned away to go back to her carriage.

"I-I'm still working on it..." he followed her like a lost puppy.

Beans wouldn't believe her luck. On one hand the snake wasn't involved with dumping the water and on another...he was completely harmless and stupid. Whether or not this was a good thing was still up for debate.

"**An Unpleasant Welcome"**

"I sure do appreciate this Miss Beans and if there's anything I could-" he was cut off by the iguana as she sped away on her hog-drawn carriage into the picturesque town. "Oh-Okay. See ya Beans..."

Well "picturesque" as in it looked exactly like a good ol' western town from all the great western films he had enjoyed watching from his terrarium. A wooden sign stood right outside the perimeter, burned into it were the words _**"Welcome to Dirt"**_.

A couple of folks were hustling and bustling about the street, some leaving on carriages, some going to and from work, and others simply zig-zagging to and from what was clearly the saloon.

His train of thought was broken by a rock to the head.

He turned quickly to see a group of kids tossing objects at him and hollering.

"Git outta here!"

"No snakes allowed!"

Not thinking properly, the green serpent hissed a sound that could be easily mistaken for a squeak. It scattered the kids something fierce except for a little mouse girl with a black sun hat.

"What was that for?" he asked hurtfully, the girl did nothing but examine his face and clothes.

"You're funny lookin'." she said bluntly.

"Oh well, you're funning looking too."

"That's a funny lookin' shirt."

"That's a funny looking dress." (_"It's horrendously adorable."_)

"You got funny lookin' eyes."

"You got a funny looking FACE!" he replied childishly, a triumphant look on his face.

The cactus mouse stared back unamused before bidding well. "You're a stranger. Strangers don't last long here." She walked off unceremoniously, leaving the snake to his thoughts.

"_Hmph. Says her. All I got to do is familiarize myself and I'll blend in like a needle in a haystack!"_ he looked around at the town's residents, very few were paying him attention, those who were had backed away cautiously and carried on with their business.

He tried to call over to Miss Beans, who was talking with an old hoatzin, but she had brushed him off and rode away from the store front.

Left awkwardly in the middle of the street he attempted to mimic the movements and mannerisms of some colorful characters but was unable to utilize leg or arm movements very well (seeing how he_ lacked_ them).

So far his introduction to this town has been very hostile, hopefully the cherry fellows in the old watering hole were nicer than the folk out here.

**=I hope this wasn't too boring, I just really like the idea of Rango being a snake, try and imagine such bouncy and awkward movements from a snake. I made him a type of boa, a fancy pet species that's very docile towards anything it doesn't see as food.**

**I'd imagine that the people of Dirt would be a lot more wary of him for starters. And it allows some interesting character reactions. Potential Snake!Rango/Jake anyone?**


	2. Chapter 2

**=All right on to more drabbles! I skipped the timeline further a bit, just after Rango played golf with the mayor.**

"**An...Interesting Proposition "**

"Get me Rattlesnake Jake." The Mayor fumbled with his club mechanism.

Bad Bill's ugly sneer twisted into the face of a frightened child. "But Jake's the Grim Reaper, he never leaves without takin' a bloomin' soul."

"I don't care, just get him!" The golf club shot out from the wheelchair and smacked the rolled up pill bug into the horizon, almost rolling down the hill into the construction site. "That viridian good doer is starting to known too much. I've gone too far along to just let all this planning go to waste!"

Bill turned to his three comrades, all just as scared as he was of the great snake. They had to call him up a couple of times (the whole business with another good doer named Amos stuck out most prominently) and boy it was never pretty. Turns out if you bother a fully grown Western Diamondback when they're brumating, they will try to shoot you dead.

They found Jake resting inside an abandoned boxcar about one and a half miles from town, the snake refused to sleep anywhere without appropriate roof cover, a trait aquired from his natural Ornithophobia.

Before any of the ruffians could open their mouths, two pits of hellfire shot a deadly glare at them, the great wall of brown and silver scales uncoiling itself angrily.

"This better be good Bill." Jake half-growled, half-hissed at the Gila monster.

"It is I assure you." Bill did his best not to fumble up his words but the massive row of fangs did not help at all. "It's about the new Sheriff."

The gunslinger snorted in annoyance. "May have heard a sliver or two of him. Claims to be a brother of mine and that he killed the Jenkins?" his gun cylinders rotated, making an angry rattling sound.

"Yeah, that's 'im all right."

"Now why exactly does the old coot want him dead? Doesn't like golf? Made fun of the wheelchair?" he laughed mockingly.

The four chuckled awkwardly, trying to get on the serpent's good side.

Bill scratched behind his head before continuing "He be knowing too much. He maybe a ditzy bastard, but he's a sharp ditzy bastard."

Jake rotated the cylinders on his gun with a bored look on his face. "And just what makes him any different from the last three who "knew too much"?"

Bad Bill leaned closer and whipered something that made the bounty hunter's eyes go wide.

"Now _that's_ a bit more interesting..." he hissed in excitement.

"**A Snake out of Hell"**

The people of Dirt were gathered right outside the Sheriffs office, wailing about "bank robbers" or similar with pitchforks and blazing torches dotting the crowd. The sun had setted into a deep, deep crimson. Now would be the perfect time to make himself known, Jake had always been one for theatrics.

The sight of the Sheriff caused him to stop in his tracks, luckily the citizens were too caught up in their silly little mob to notice him slither silently towards the town.

"Hmmm what do ya know? Another snake." he hummed to himself, inspecting the Sheriff's body.

He was quite a bit smaller than himself, about a foot or two smaller infact, with brilliant green scales and massive yellow eyes. He was definetely a constrictor of some sort going by the almost non-existant fangs.

"Overfed too." Jake snickered as he noticed an obvious bluge in the another snake's mid-section.

In fact the Sheriff actually looked sort of appealing, it was quite obvious why he had gained so much popularity despite his species reputation. A type of opptimistic light shone out of his serpentine face as he addressed the residents, although in a deffinetly faked accent.

"...Believe in that there sign. As long as it hangs there, we got hope." Short and sweet with a bit of good leadership, the boy pointed to the hanging "Sheriff" sign with his tail. The people in the mob looked up at it with a sense of respect, the idea filled them up with blind hope and security.

That is until Jake's bullets tore it to shreads at least.

The sound of the rattlesnake's gun rotating was enough to frighten the lives out of every single person present. He had a look of determination and interest as if an artist had sculpted it at birth. He blew the smoke coming from thegun barrel menacingly, shifting his collosial coils towards his mark.

The crowd scattered away from the Sheriff, making a direct path for Jake to confront him. The green reptile stared up at him like he was Death incarnate. Eyes of pure hellfire burned straight into yellow ones, the constrictor was absolutely frozen with fear.

"_**Hello brother.**_ Thirsty?" Jake purred, mockingly injecting some of his venom into a shotglass and throwing it to the side. The mayor and his cronies strolled up in their sunday bests, not bothering to interfer.

"Long time brother. How ya been keeping?" the rattlesnake coiled around as much of the other snake he as he could, hissing right beside his head.

"O-oh well ya know-" the constricter's stammering was cut off by a sudden hiss and display of fangs, the green reptile gave his own weak hiss of fear as the rattlesnake got ever closer to his face.

"I been hearing about how you killed all them Jenkins Brothers, with one bullet wasn't it? Init right?" He chuckled, smacking his tailgun on the back of the Sheriff's head. "All these good folk believe your little _**stories**_ don't they? Why they believe your just another stone-killer snake don't they? These folk _**trust**_ you. They think that you're gonna save their little town. They think that you're gonna save their little _**souls!**_"

He suddenly wrapped himself around the boa tightly in a show of strength and dominace, facing at the residents.

"But we know better; don't we?" he purred almost seductively, licking the side of the Sheriff's cheek with his feathery black tongue, causing a mass grimace of uncomfort to form on everyone's faces.

"So why don't you show your friends what yer made of? Show them who you _**really are?**_ Why don't you pull your gun and **shoot** me?" He suddenly grabbed the revolver from the smaller serpent's bandolier with his own gun and emptied it of five of it's six bullets. "A'course you won't be needing all these. Just one, right?"

The Sheriff hooked his tail around the trigger, his tail tip resting on the hammer as he raised it to the bounty hunter's face. His entire form was shaking in fear, it was obvious that the boy was not only inexperinced with guns, but had never killed anyone before let alone an entire gaggle of brothers.

"Go ahead hero. Pull the trigger." Jake's voice had become serious and shockingly bitter.

The "hero" cocked the gun, aiming it straight at the rattler's snout, a point-blank shot that would most certainly mean death for the bounty hunter. His mouth had twisted into an upset grimace, either of disturbance or just plain horror, his tiny fangs poking through.

"You got killer in your eyes son?** I don't see it.**"

The spirit of the boa died right there on the spot, along with the hopes and respect of the people of Dirt. Almost dropping the gun, he lowered his head in defeat and submission to the other snake.

"You didn't do any of them things you said did you? You didn't kill them Jenkins brothers, you ain't even from the west!** Are you!**? **Say it!**" Jake shouted, tightening his grip even moreso.

"No..." the Sheriff whimpered.

"Oh do speak up, I don't think your little friends **heard** you." he mocked twisting around to get a good look on all of the citizen's faces.

"No."

"All you've ever done is lie to these good people. You ain't nothing but a fake and a coward. Isn't that right?"

"Y-yes."

"**LOUDER!"** Jake suddenly roared in his face.

"Yes!"

The looks on some of the people's faces was something for the cameras, some looked at the fallen hero with dead eyes, some quivered their lips as if they were about to cry, but the best of all was the absolutely broken look on the Sheriff's face as the rattler gave one last burn.

"Listen here you pathetic **fraud**, this is my town now. If I ever see you 'round here again _**I send **__**your soul straight down to HELL**_!" he released the constrictor from coils rapidly, causing the smaller snake fall on his face.

The boa gave a vacant look to his lady friends before slithering away without a word spoken. He stopped right near the graveyard to toss his star-shaped badge into the sand, leaving nothing but the sound of sand being crushed under his sleek frame.

Despite the success of his intimediation, a question began eating at Jake's brain. "Who the hell was he anyway?"

"**One Bullet"**

Right at the moment, Rattlesnake Jake was honestly and throughly pissed off. The peacock of a Sheriff had strutted back into town despite previous warnings and was able to trick him not once but by the looks of it; twice.

From blasting him with a high-pressure spray of water to replicating a hawk out of bats, Jake would have to applaude the boa's cleverness.

The bounty hunter cackled madly as he shot the inffurriating rodents out of the sky, his bullet shells littering all around him as each shot rang out like a bell. It was only when his gun gave a click that he had realised that he'd run out of ammo.

He turned sharply only to meet the eyes of the Sheriff, his face was full of rage and confidence, his fangs peeking out from his almost evil smile.

Now Jake was a terrifying man but he wasn't a dumb one. Constrictors were pretty dangerous if provoked just enough, he himself had almost been killed and eaten by kingsnakes in the past. With a sharp hiss the two reptile collided and the scales began to fly. What occured next was the battle of two titans.

Both snakes attempted to constrict and hold down one another, the Sheriff narrowly missing the graze of Jake's venomous fangs. Things finally came to a halt when the green boa shifted his wieght onto Jake's top half and pulled out his revolver, aiming the barrel straight at the bounty hunter's forehead.

"It only takes one bullet." he stated teaseingly.

"You ain't got the nerve." Jake spat back, readying his fangs once more.

The good-doer gave a small chuckle and looked straight into the rattler's eyes. "Try me."

The intimadating look on Jake's face crumbled, the Sheriff's eyes had...changed somehow. The optimistic gleam was missing and replaced with a tone that remined the larger snake of a golden bullet. By the Spirits he would shoot Jake dead on the spot if it meant proving something.

"Excuse me Mister Rango." both snakes turned sharply towards the mayor, who had taken the Sheriff's lady friend hostage and was now shoving a gun under her chin. "As much as I would enjoy seeing both tear eachother apart, I believe that you don't want your friend here to have her head blasted open." the anicient turtle gave the most satified grin on the earth. "Hand me your gun."

The Sheriff Rango stared at his weapon blanky, running his tail tip over the cylinder before handing it to the mayor. Bad Bill and his cronies made no time subduing the smaller snake and tossing him and his lady friend into the bank vault. As it began to filll up with water, they could see him arguing with her about something.

Jake briefly wondered whether or not he should intervene but quickly came to the conclusion; they messed with the wrong person, pop they're dead, everyone goes off and gets drunk. Although he did have a twinge of feeling that he was gonna miss that ditzy sheriff.

"Well that clears up all loose ends..." The Mayor turned his wheelchair around to face Jake, pulling out the Sheriff's revolver. "Except for one."

The rattler backed away in shock, the barrel aiming straight at him.

"It's a new west Jake, there's no room for bounty hunters. We're business men now."

"And we got new hats!" one of Bad Bill's mooks prattled, pointing to their new headwear.

"You treacherous coward." Jake spat, trying to think of a possible escape. He glanced over to the flooded Vault, The Sheriff looked as though he was trying to keep his lady afloat, hiis serpentine body moving fluidly through the water.

"You're just a legend of the old west Jake. Pretty soon nobody will believe you even exisited." He readied the hammer and aimed it point blank at the rattlesnake. "Any last words?"

"Yeah. You do realise that the Sheriff took the bullet out right?" he smirked deviously as the gun clicked without a shot. A loud crack alerted them to the vault right before it burst open and desecrated the bank building with a flash flood.

Jake was tossed harmlessly onto the ground, quickly reclaiming his hat, he saw the Sheriff looming over the old coot's body, the tortoise had been knocked onto his back and was blubbering a mess of apologies.

"Now, now Sheriff I'm sure we can reach a mutualy benefical agreement to out current situation."

"You better take it up with him." the green serpent spun the turtle around to face a very angry Rattlesnake Jake, fangs and coils at the ready before a golden glint caught his eye.

"One bullet." he chuckled, amazed at the sheer irony. "I tip my hat to you, one legend to another." The two snakes exchanged gesutures of respect as attention was turned back onto the mayor.

"What is it you said?; Pretty soon nobody will believe taht you even exisited." he coiled around the screaming reptile like a ribbon and gave a quick last goodbye to the Sheriff. "See ya later Rango." he purred, flicking his tongue out at the boa's cheek before speeding off the mayor buried under brown and sliver coils.

**=Sorry if the story is a bit too close to canon, but I'm hoping to make original drabbles for the characters in the next chapter. I had the idea that Jake would be constantly affirming his dominance to any snake in the area, hence the lick and coiling. Please Review! :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**=Hello there! Time for some more drabbles.**

"**An Offer You Can't Refuse"**

Rango scanned the surrounding desert wildly, his tail wrapped awkwardly around the saddle of his javelina (he had to ride one for a roadrunner would have been too small) as he road even further away from Dirt (now rechristened "Mud" ever since the water incident).

The notice had come in very unexpectedly. As he was lazing about near the new lake a very distressed Cactus Wren had flown right into him with a message from the people of Dry Creek. Apparently ever since the Mayor of Dirt had been bumped off, Bad Bill and his cronies had begun terrorizing nearby towns for kicks. A light-hearted bar brawl had spiraled out of control and it ended with the brutal murder of a deputy there.

The green serpent felt three things; for one Pride because the people were activily seeking him out for protection, for second Annoyance because they interupted his tanning (although he had begun doubting whether or not snakes could tan in the first place), and thirdly Fear because he knew he couldn't take on Bad Bill blindly and thus had to recruit an unlikely support.

He found Jake asleep on a wide hot rock a few miles away from the highway, with a joshua tree looming overhead he seemed oblivous to the stiffling heat around him.

Getting off his javenila Excelsior, the boa slithered cauitously towards the sleeping sidewinder. His breathing was even and relaxed, as if he was having the most uneventful dream of all time.

Rango's heart jumped into his throat when the tell-tale rattle of Jake's tail-gun shook the larger snake out of dreamland.

"_Hello Sheriff._" he greeted with the wickedest of grins. "May I implore you why you're sneaking up on me in my sleep?"

The boa chuckled nervously, his coils bunching up behind him. "I didn't know that you were asleep. I just really needed to find you."

"Why exactly?" if the bounty hunter had eyebrows he'd certainly would have been raising one in suspicion. "I haven't even gone near that flooded hell hole you call a town since I did away with the good ol' Mayor." he snickered as he lowered the brim of his hat over his eyes. "I was very surprised to find that ancient turtle tastes _very_ bland."

Rango shifted his body in a disturbed manner, not wanting to think about eating anything sentient. "I got a message from up Dry Creek. Bad Bill has been acting up again and they want me to help."

"_Annnnd_ how does this affect me in any way?" the sidewinder was quickly losing interest in the subject, lowering his head onto his warm coils tiredly.

The boa was panicking internally, he couldn't take on Bad Bill's cronies by himself, four guns against one ain't a fair fight, but he needed to speak to the bounty hunter's sense of honor.

"I'll let you kill him." he said bluntly, instantly igniting interest in the other snake. "I'll bet that you are even just a little bit peeved at him for playing you like a fool right? And the great Rattlesnake Jake should stamp out all blamsphemy towards his name."

The look in the sidewinder's eyes told the green Sheriff that he had won the conversation, the pit viper's tail-gun was rotating with a mixture of anger and excitement.

"Nice to see that you speak my language Sheriff." Jake joked, showing off sharp venom-filled fangs. He uncoiled himself from his resting place and slithered closer. "All right I'll help ya. But only on one condition."

"All right lay it on me." Rango was bracing himself for the worst of requests, the tip of his tail gliding over his gun holster.

"I come and go into Dirt as I please. No restrictions, no angry mobs, and certainly no hawks." he bartered professionally. "As a plus I won't lay a scale upon anyone without your say so."

"What could you possibly gain from that deal?" the boa was now definetly suspicous, eyes narrowing in an aggressive manner.

The sidewinder glared at him, offended by his question. "Oh I dunno, water, food, supplies, the lack of other snakes trying to tear my hide a new one." his began narrowing the gap between their faces and stared right into the constrictor's eyes. "_We snakes_ aren't spoon-fed like them town folk, if you hadn't killed that hawk you would have been tossed out on your prosterior and left for the birds."

"Why?" the Sheriff's aggressive stare had melted away to innocent confusion. From his point of view as a pet, he was always treated with at least some level of respect even adoration from his human company.

Jake shook his head dismissively. "Never mind. It's like speaking quantum mechanics to a tree." He slithered over to Excelcior, unnerving the feral pig something fierce. "You're not actually riding one of these fat swines are ya?"

"I have to." Rango stated matter-of-factly. "I can't slither as quickly as you can."

The sidewnder chuckled proudly. "First one to Dry Creek gets first shot."

"Oh please. I doubt you can move faster than my-" the green snake was cut off by a blurr of brown and silver scales zooming past him in the direction of their mark.

"HEY! No headstarts!" the boa whined loudly, placing himself back onto the javenlina's saddle and riding as fast as he could behind the larger serpent.

"**Potiental Redemption"**

Bad Bill was half-way through a mobbing when both Sheriff Rango and Rattlesnake Jake slithered in union around the town, frightening the townfolk something fierce. It was only when the Sheriff of Dry Creek identified Rango did anyone calm down.

The four crooks turned to see two pairs of burning eyes and readied guns. They surrendered pretty meekly. And by surrendered I mean high-tailed it out of there while being chassd by two very angry serpents.

Only after ten minetes of barreling after the cowardly Gila monster did they lose him. Jake was growling a mess of silent explicatives under his breath, dissappointed that he couldn't hunt down the bastard and pump him full of lead.

"Sorry for our failure to capture the culpruit Sheriff Hickey." Rango apoligized to the Cactus Wren Sheriff, tipping his hat respectfuly.

The songbird ruffled his feathers in agitation. "No promplem Sheriff Rango, it just that the Deputy he bunked off was a close friend of mine, guess it was out of both of our juristictions." He held out his wing for a handshake before pulling it back, remembering the serpents' lack of limbs to shake.

"It's all right, but send out a telegram to all surrounding towns, he ain't getting away with the murder of a lawman. If me and Jake see him near Dirt we'll blow him sky high." the boa guestured to the peeved off pit viper proudly with his tail.

"Ex-excuse me!" The bird twittered surprisedly. "You and Jake are...working together?"

"I owe him a favor." Jake quickly interjected, trying to keep at least some of his ferocious reputation. "And if you say anything about it_ I'll spitroast you and feed ya to the pig._" At that right moment, Excelcior came rushing over to them, squealing as a mess of young'ns tried to pull at his tail.

The wren twittered in fright, perching on higher ground before saying goodbye. "Best of luck to you Sheriff Rango and...to you Rattlesnake Jake." The serpents gave their own variations of goodbye before slithering away from town.

As the green Sheriff placed himself on his saddle, he noticed that Jake was stationary beside him, as if he was waiting for the boa to make the first move.

"You coming to Dirt with me?" Rango finally broke the silence. "I guess we gotta explain ourselves to the masses. Unless you want to be run out of town on your first day of freedom."

"I'd rather not. I don't want to get my scales bloody." the sidewinder laughed manicaly, readying his coils for a burst of speed. "Wanna race back to town?"

The Sheriff snickered under his hat before replying with the most confident voice on earth. "**Lets.**"

Rango learnt a valuable lesson that day; if you bring a well-known murderer and outlaw into town, they will attempt a rebelion. Straightening out his body, he barked orders into the citizen's heads, explaining the bargain with the sidewinder.

"...As a great man once said 'The best way to defeat an enemy is to make them your friend', and I fully believe that it is possible even with the likes of Jake."

The afformentioned enemy was lazing against the side of the newly reconstructed Sheriff's office, filtering every ounce of the saccharine speech out. It was only when he heard the _click_ of an unloaded gun did he snap out of his nap.

Right infront of him was the Sheriff and his lady friend Miss Beans. The tan iguana was holding the silvery weapon to the rattlesnake's snout, an angry expression directed towards the boa.

"You honestly think after years of terrorizing us we'd let him in open arms?**!**" she screeched at Rango, the smaller snake lowering his head in submission.

"Look Beans, we sorta need his help. If I get shanked in my scaly back by Bad Bill or any other low-life, I want another gun by my side."

"Isn't the support of the entire town not enough?" she threw her arms in the air exasperatedly, accidentally smacking the Sheriff in the face with the back of her hand.

"I meant a morally ambiguous and competent gun." he stared right into her brown eyes and asked. "Plus, we're only 'just snakes' right? I mean we can obliterate any threat for miles around yet we're treated like trash."

Jake raised an imaginary eyebrow at this statement, remembering their own talk a while eariler.

The Sheriff concluded with a simple question. "Let me ask you something Beans; what if another snake comes in, then what?"

That surely seemed to shut the little lady up, she froze in place and began staring off into the distance, her eyes bulging to a great degree. It was only after two minetes of this did the sidewindeer began to question anything.

"Is she all right?" he asked boredly, his hat hitting the wall behind his head.

"Yeah she just blanked out, she'll tune in a minete." Rango poked at her shoulder with his snout, slithering back a bit as she flicked back into reality.

"...And you honestly believe he's gonna be here and not earn his keep**!**?" she looked at the two serpents and caught on to their confusion. "I did it again did I?"

"Yep." the boa confirmed gently, suddenly his eyes widened in brilliance. "But you got a good idea there Beans."

"What idea?" Jake was begining to hate this was going, his nostrils flared in anger as the Sheriff got closer.

"Ever since our run-in with the Mayor and what not, we left a nasty trail of blood and with that blood will come enemies." the boa looked at him with a smile that could melt sugar. "I'm appointing you as a full-time protector of Dirt, starting tonight!"

The pit viper hissed and rotated his gun barrels in rage. "And what makes you think I'll do what you say?"

The Sheriff turned his head to the side and replied with an almost sweet tone of voice. "You don't want everybody to know that I had to save your life right?"

"_Dammit, got me there._" Jake mentally swore, midly impressed by the boa's newly found deviousness. "You're beginning to become a bit to eloquent in my language Sheriff."

"Glad that I am Jake." he smirked proudly, turning to the direction of the saloon. "But remember, if you go against my deal, I'll shoot you where you stand and stick your gun in a trophy case."

Jake chuckled at the thought, slithering to the saloon alongside the Sheriff and his lady friend. "I know you would."

"**Adjustment"**

Although it took a while, the people of Dirt began to accept the presense of the venomous serpent. He'd come into town for a hour, get some cactus juice in him, bother the Sheriff and be on his merry way back to what ever he called home.

Sheriff Rango on the other hand noticed that his interactions with the sidewinder had become longer and even looked foward to. The pit viper would always come slithering in and surprise the hell out of the boa when he was in the middle of something or in one case; asleep. At least the conversations were a bot more interestng than most talk in town.

At the moment the Sheriff was in his favorite establishment in town: Angelique's Boudoir. The sleek, secretary certainly knew her way around the many body types that walked into her shop and was instructing her tailor Mr Black (a very strange looking tarantula that also had a job as the undertaker) to make clothes specifically meant for the serpentine body.

As the Sheriff was being prodded and messured by the arachnid's many arms, he struck up a conversation with the classy fox.

"I sincerly hope you're taking the inclusion of Rattlesnake Jake decently Miss Angelique."

The secretary took a puff of her long cigarette and replied with a mild; "Don't worry I am not afraid of him like the rest of the town, my kind are well known predators of his species. But I am rather intriged on why he took such a shine to you."

"Well...I guess he saw some common ground with me." Rango stumbled over his words, not wanting to break the deal he had with Jake. "Only snake for hundreds of miles that won't try to take him on in a gunfight."

"But your the only one who'd challange his authority." She raised an eyebrow questioningly. "And the only one he will speak pleasently to."

"Ah..well..that's because of-OW!" he stammered awkwardly, flitching when one of Mr Black's needled accidentally pricked through a scale.

Angelique gave an all knowing smirk. "I think I understand what is going on mon amie. Your secret is safe with me."

"Whew! That's good news." the boa gave a breath of relife and relaxed his scaly coils on the boudoir's carpeted floors, not understanding the implication.

Outside the shop a certain sidewinder and iguana stood by the window, trying to listen in on the conversation.

"What do you think they're talking about in there?" Jake asked the rancher, looking in at the Sheriff through the glass.

Beans glanced at the pair, both giggling about somethin pointless. "I dunno, boys or something."

The Sheriff exited the shop, two bags of shopping and a goofy grin in tow. "Oh! Hello there Jake and Beans. Waiting for me?"

"Sort of. Sheriff, why do you blow most of your paycheck on clothes off all things?" the pit viper looked at the pastel pink bags in disgust. "You're a freaking snake."

"Unlike you Jake I'm not a nudist." the boa ribbed, slithering towards the Sheriff's office, the bounty hunter following after with more arguing.

"Ah jeune amour, beautiful isn't it?" Angelique sighed with a joking tone.

Beans gave her a cold hard stare before replying. "Beautiful like a Picasso painting."

**=I hope you all liked that! I made Excelcior one of the pigs (javelinas) for the sake of Rango's size in this fic. Please leave a review! :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**=Hello! Time for some more drabbles!**

"**Skylights**"

When the oil lamps dimmed and the children scampered into bed under the watchful eyes of their parents, the feared pit viper of the Mojave roamed the town; licking the air and sensing the heat signals hidden behind wooden walls.

If a curious youngster were to peep outside at the sound of rustling scales against cold sand, he or she would be faced with eyes of pure hellfire, an instant cure for disobedient children not wanting to go to sleep.

Now Rattlesnake Jake was a good watchman, but the moment he did a quite spin around town he'd flop down on a flat rock and rest himself before the hot morning sun drove him off. No one is really sure what such a brutal and monstrous creature does to entertain himself at this hour, especially alone and lying still.

At least until a certain boa decided to find out what.

The night had been pain-stakingly still. Being a cool late summer day, the folk of Dirt were more than happy to simply wind down and oil their gears ever since the harvest season ended.

And like any other night under his protection, Jake was stretched out on a rock, occasionally tasting the air for anything suspicious. The moon hung in the sky like a giant beacon, basking whatever flames could not reach with a dull white light. On a cool night like this all the stars and constellations were on display, the rattler amusing himself by trying to indentify them.

His nose flared and his gun began to rattle as a familar scent advanced closer and closer to him, a smell that reminded the bounty hunter of a certain Sheriff he's had become accustomed to.

"May I ask why you are out at this hour other than to assassinate me?" his icy joke cut the still air like a knife, reaching the intruder as a chill running up his spine.

"S-sorry...a telegram came in as I was in dreamland, now I can't get back to sleep." the green serpent relaxed himself a few inches away from the rattlesnake, a bit too wary to get any closer.

"That's all?" Jake asked slyly, giving a devious smirk.

"Well, also I was curious at what was so interesting to you out here." the boa looked up briefly at the sky before looking back to face the rattler. "It's just the sky."

Jake's face wrinkled in annoyance, hissing through his fangs he raised his body to look down on the smaller snake. "Look again Sheriff, and don't just stare at the moon."

"All right but I honestly don-" the Sheriff became silent, the moon and stars reflected off his eyes as he focused on every dot and blurr of light he could see. The canvas of inky blue and green was almost completely cleared of clouds or light pollution, as if you could see for hundreds of miles into space.

Rango didn't even notice that he was staring until the cold touch of Jake's gun brushed against his scales, causing the green snake to yelp in fright and send the bounty hunter into a smug chuckle.

"This can't be your first time looking at the night sky can it?" he laughed sarcastically, pulling himself closer to the boa.

"Well..." the smaller serpent explained nervously. "Never like this, the sky back in Las Vegas had much different lights."

"Figured that you were a city-slicker." Jake smiled proudly to himself as his gaze fell upon the sky once more. "What was so different than the lights out here?"

"The lights..." Rango's words caught in his mouth, realising that he'd had honestly never seen a proper star from the safety of his terrianum. "Were blaring like the halos of the holiest of serraphim, and so massive with any color you could imagine. They would shine out well into the morning and cast a heavenly glow around the city. It was almost like living on the moon itself."

Somewhat impressed by the eloquent speech, Jake lowered his body for relaxation and stared daggers into the boa's eyes. "You better not be bull-shiting me Sheriff." his eyes grew more relaxed as he propped his head onto the other snake's coils. "Because that sounds beautiful."

The boa froze as he rattler settled himself right next to his own coils and rested his head on him. Smiling awkwardly, the former pet replied with the only thing that he could think of.

"Meh, I like the ones out here better."

Rango swore he flet the bounty hunter's smirk through his scales.

"**Rumors**"

Rango knew that rumors were ineviable. With heroism came speculation of your past and personal life, even though it was nobody's business like they pretended it was.

At first the questions and theories were wild and uncordinated, fueled by the lack of information, ranging from the almost possible "He's from the far south " to the very far-fetched "He's the Spirit of the West himself".

After the initial buzz ran down more personal or negative rumors began sprouting up. The types of questions or lies concocted by a druken mind or a very loud enemy. Some were harmless, even silly and obviously made just for hilarity, but a good few were deliberately made to tarnish the Sheriff's name or made to startle the public.

"_**He's a wanted criminal."** "He robbed a bank once." "Friend or Foe?" _**"Murder of Dry Creek deptuty caused by Sheriff Rango"**"Secret family in Las Vegas"_ "Might be a woman." _

All of these ridiculous "theories" were plastered all over the tabloid newsprint, almost every week a quote on quote "old friend" of Rango's would release wild and inaccurate information just to give people with nothing better to do something to talk about.

The people of Dirt, although distrustful of such frivolous stories, did often confront him on them but mostly kept quite about such matters, fearing that getting in too deep would unearth too many faults in their esteemed Sheriff's character.

"Sheriff. Paper." Deputy Wounded Bird spoke bluntly as he came into the Sheriff's office, tossing this week's copy of newspaper onto the desk. "Bad things being said about you."

Rango yawned from a restless sleep, he hadn't even gotten coffee in him before the crow walked in. Staring lazily at the newsprint, he skimmed over the headlines and dates before falling onto a heading that caught his eye.

"_**Sheriff Rango: Cowboy Casanova?"**_

At first the boa didn't see anyting incriminating until he read further to find that past "mistresses" and "girlfriends" (women he'd never seen in his life time) had written in accounts of the imaginary relationship between him and them. What was worse was a woman from two states away that claimed that she was pregnant with the Sheriff's child.

"Now this is just perfect. Not even two months on the job now they're placing parental charges on me." the boa sighed deeply, too tired to protest but too angry to rest. "Why do they make up such lies?"

"Boredom." the old Native American placed his wing on the snake's back and reassured him. "Don't worry, no one believes it."

"Tell that to the hate mail." Rango flopped his scaly head down onto his desk with a dull thump, scattering a small stack of opened letters. Even since the nastier rumors came in so did a few hurtful letters from "fans" expressing their displeasure with inaccurate facts, overused obsenities, and horrid grammer.

Barely a second later, Priscilla skipped in, her usually stoic demeanor was interrupted by curiousity and excitement.

"Sheriff Rango is it true you gut shooted an entire bank of people?" the cactus mouse was almost bouncing in her shoes, wanting to have the correct answer for what ever reason.

"What? NO! Who told you that in the first place?" the green serpent was even more agitated than ever, not even noticing when a low hiss began emanating from his lips.

The girl's excitement fell a tiny bit before answering with "Mister Buford down at the saloon is

reading the newspaper out loud for everybody, some of the things in there are downright harmful for minors."

With that the little mouse and the snake skipped (or in Rango's case slithered) over to the Saloon where a mess of schoolchildren had their ears pressed up against the glass, trying to get all of the gory details. They stood silent as the Sheriff made his way through the doors, an angry scowl adorning his face.

The first thing that Rango was met with was the mist of cigar smoke and the booming voice of Buford blaring out the headlines of the newest tabloid.

"_Dry Creek Resident says that she saw the esteemed Sheriff pull out his gun and-_"

"Ahem!" the boa faked a cough, drawing attention to himself.

The barkeep's eyes widened and hid the paper behind the bar. The saloon became deathly quite when they saw the vibrant green scales of their Sheriff. The snake had a look of pure vanilla extract stretched across his face.

"Oh please go on barkeep, I wish to hear what the people think of me." he gestured his tail dramatically, almost knocking down a wall lamp in the progress.

"You're sure Sheriff? Some of this stuff is pretty incriminating." the toad warned, cautiously unfolding the newsprint. With an approving nod from Rango, the amphibian continued;

"_One Dry Creek Resident claims to have seen the esteemed Sheriff pulled out a .45 Caliber and shoot Deputy McCarty throught the head, killing him instantly."_

"Two inaccuracies; One the death occured at least 12 hours before I even got there, Two I carry a .40 caliber." The snake allowed himself to point out all the flaws, the bar patrons scratched their chins in agreement, urging Buford to continue.

"_Another soul reports that Sheriff Rango was working alongside the terror known as Rattlesnake Jake, the two were seen entering the town in perfect unison as if they rehearsed it."_

"In all honesty me and Jake were racing with no order. Jake won." the boa chuckled calmly alongside the bar patrons, perhaps these rumors weren't so bad.

"_A local farmhand claims he witnessed both the Sheriff Rango and Rattlesnake Jake_...I just can't continue." Buford folded the paper quickly as if a scary photo had just materialised on the print.

"What's wrong bar keep? It can't be_ that _bad can it?" Rango raised an invisible eyebrow in suspicion and panic, dreading at what was so unmentionable.

"I can't go on, especially when there's** kids who should be in school** listening in." he directed the middle of the sentence to the front door, which was replied with small feet scampering away from the building with a chorus of giggles and mischievous laughter.

"Well then pass it over and I will read it myself." After being handled the paper, Rango sped his eyes across the troops of dialog and photos before coming to his destination.

"Ah! Here we are!" He exclaimed triumphantly, reading the text silently. "_Sheriff and Jake found committing_...the fucking hell?**!**"

The occupants of the bar jumped back at the obsenity, never had they heard the serpentine Sheriff swear before in all of his duration in the town. Now they knew that it wasn't pretty.

"I mean what the fucking- They just can't accuse me of this! We were only in that town for 10 or 15 minetes tops! They didn't even check with Sheriff Hickey before printing this did they!**?**" The Sheriff was definetely enraged, melting into a pool of confusion and anger.

"Look Sheriff." The barkeep attempted to soothe the peeved constrictor, holding up his hands defensively. "We all know this is complete bullcrap, and you shouldn't get so upset about-"

The toad was cut off by Rango pumping the offending newsprint full of lead before slithering away in rage. Buford made a mental note not to read the newspaper aloud ever again.

Unfortunetely that "rage" depowered into sheer sadness once he had made his way a fair distance away from town, his sleek scaly body burning it's through the sand. Eventually after the short burst of speed died down, the Sheriff was left under a tree with nothing but the feeling of empty anger within his body.

Rango now had very little idea what to do. He rarely lost his temper but he had to do it over a tabloid of all things? Although to be fair a very, very atrocious one. Now that the bar patrons had seen him burst with anger, they would make it their goal to avoid him at all cost in fear of facing another lash of rage.

"What's with the sourpuss?" asked a sly voice accompanied by low hissing.

Jake slithered into view from the otherside of the tree, a confused and sleepy look on his face (supposedly he was resting before being awoken by the angry boa).

"Oh hey Jake." the Sheriff croaked out through a dry throat. "Sorry if I disturbed you, I'll just go."

Before the smaller snake could react, he was blocked off by the massive, brown and silver coils of the bounty hunter.

"It's about the rumors again isn't it?" his voice was extremely serious, sounding almost worried for the boa. "The ones that the press in Dry Creek are pushing out each week right?"

Rango nodded his head weakly, too tired from no sleep and too upset from the incident to actually explain anything.

"Ahh shit." the rattler exclaimed with a bored, concerned tone of voice. "They say anything particularly fucked up this week?"

"...Yeah, and it involved you. Something so audacious and out of character that I shot the newspaper to pieces." the Sheriff tried to keep it as basic as possible, not wanting to reveal the awful story.

"Finally seems as though they've included me in your untrue adventures." Jake slumped against the tree trunk, keeping eyes on the green serpent at all times. "How are you taking it?"

"Not very good to say the least, I'm terrible with confronting these types of things, I'm torn between reacting to the slander but they might use it against me, and not reacting at all and letting people think and say such horrid things about me." Rango wished he could cry because the entire situation was too stressful in keep in any longer.

A dull state of silence formed between the two snakes, both too tired to discuss the matter even further. The boa, through a sleep deprived mindset, coiled up next to the bounty hunter and relaxed against him, ready to almost pass out from exhaustion.

"Tell me them." a blunt order from the larger snake broke the silence.

"What?" the Sheriff asked, making sure it wasn't his imagination.

"Tell them to me, I at least want to know what's been eating you for the past few weeks." Jake slithered closer to the boa, intent on listening to every word coming out of the green snake's mouth.

It took three minetes before both serpents collapsed on eachother from tiredness. A few travellers found the two resting reptiles and reported it to the tabloids.

The following week, a particularly malicious newspaper was printed wite intention of tarnishing the Sheriff's reputation to tatters and rags. It was never published due to an extremely protective pit viper breaking into the office and destroying the printers.

No more rumors were ever published about Sheriff Rango ever again.

**=Hope it wasn't too cheesy. I really wanted Jake to have a very subtle attachment to Rango, almost protective in nature. Please leave a review! :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**=Drabble time! Now for a new chapter.**

"**House-warming Gifts"**

Everyday since his defeat of the mayor, Rango had become accustomed to the sight of presents.

Whether it was a freshly-baked apple pie placed on his windowsill by rosy-cheeked grandmas, a hearty bottle of fine cactus juice from a saloon patron, or a whole manner of juvenile bundles made by admiring children, he would take it with a smile.

That is until the dead animals started showing up.

"**EEEK!"** he let out a high-pitched screech at the sight of a dead tarantula on his front step. The animal was what the town classified as "feral", an animal with no sentience, but that still didn't take away the scary factor.

Rango shuddered as he disposed of the "gifts" crudely by tossing them into a garbage can or burying them in a shallow hill of sand, the latter of which had become discouraged ever since Priscilla and her classmates found one and spent most of their English class poking at it with a stick.

This time however was completely ridiculous.

"How?" the boa asked with a dropped jaw. Right there on the steps of the Sheriff's office lay a the body of an adolescent javelina. Bite marks along the head of the dead swine told that the fight had not been an easy one.

But what animal would simply give away such a massive meal?

"I'll get Doctor." Wounded Bird stated dryly, limping in the direction of the saloon as the green serpent was left with a horrified grimace.

Doc came over and inspected the body with his blood-shot eyes. Randomly prodding at the skin or glaring straight into the wounds, the rabbit hummed to himself as he gave a diagnosis.

"Yep. It's dead."

Rolling his eyes, Rango replied with a ruffled "I know that, but could you tell me what may have killed this thing?"

Doc placed his index finger and thumb on the sides of a bite mark, as if determining the size of the fang that did it.

"Have to be a big predator or something. I know for a fact that these are venomous snake bites-"

"Jake!" the Sheriff suddenly barked, a bulb lightening up as he heard the word "snake". Bolting like an arrow from a bow, he was surely going to give the outlaw an earful when he found him, leaving the two other animals to stare at the trail he made in the sand with the most confused looks.

He eventually found the rattler snoozing in the autumn heat under a large rock. Jake snapped into reality when he saw two yellow eyes glowing with anger.

"Morning Sheriff." he greeted nonchalantly, flicking his tongue out to taste the air. He was obviously tired out from something, odd seeing how he only patrolled around Dirt at night.

"Good Morning Jake." the boa replied, putting on a calm, sugary tone of voice. "You won't believe the strange things that have been happening around Dirt."

"Is that so?" the pit viper hissed boredly.

"Well you know, random bandits coming into town, the reports of Bad Bill up river, and the _**dead animals that keep showing up on my doorstep**_."

The bounty hunter's face flared up with could be easily panic but quickly cooled down and replied with a chuckle. "Took you long enough to figure it out."

"Jake, why exactly are you doing it?" the green snake asked irritatedly. "Even I can see that the pig wasn't a cakewalk, so why are you doing it?"

Being a man of honesty Jake replied with the most simplest of answers.

"Because I like you." the rattler nodded at the statement, almost pleased with himself. His pride was crushed as the smaller serpent snapped back angrily.

"I like you too but I'm not going to butcher a hawk and serve it to you on a spit any time soon!"

As the two snakes argued in the morning sun, Doc and Wounded Bird followed after the Sheriff and watched the event from a far distance

"Why rattlesnake leave pig?" Wounded Bird asked the rabbit, leaning on the side of a rock.

"There could be a number of reasons." Doc said with an unsure tone. "Truce? Spite? I dunno. A lot of the times this happens with snakes is when...nah." he snickered as he trailed off.

"What?"

"A snake would only do this for one reason and one reason only: Courtship. But let's not kid ourselves, it's the Sheriff and Rattlesnake Jake, it's like breeding a cougar with a bear"

The crow stared as the serpentine duo went into separate directions, both burning with anger.

"Or two snakes." the elder replied bluntly before walking back to the Sheriff's Office for some much needed rest.

"**Sparks will Fly"**

Rattlesnake Jake was a mighty proud fellow. You would be too if you were the largest and most powerful creature in the hundred mile radius. But recently his pride was bruised something fierce.

All because of that damn Sheriff.

Jake knew is was a crapshoot trying to court the Sheriff subtly, the boy was denser than the Rocky mountains. Any other snake would have jumped at the chance to have a mate that could take down a wild pig with no injuries (other than a few crushed scales at least). Then again the green snake was a total kook and a complete ditz so he should have expected as much.

The rattler didn't really spend too much time musing over the situation before drifting off into a silent rest under a tree.

Lulled to sleep by the occasional noise of cars speeding down the nearby highway and the chirping of the night bugs and the owls that feasted on them.

His gun rattled as he sensed the presence of another serpentine body slithering through the cooled sand. He was about load up his bullets when the smell of gunpowder, something fruit, and something stifling and unfamiliar stopped him in his tracks.

"Hello Sheriff." he greeted, not wanting to show that he was glad to see the other snake.

The green boa subconsciously flicked his tongue at the air in reply. "I came looking for you to say I'm sorry for how I acted earlier today. I mean back where I come from giving your friend an animal carcass isn't an everyday thing 'cept if your pet o'course." he whispered the last part hesitantly, watching the pit viper's reaction.

"Why, were you a pet?" he asked bluntly, the most neutral of looks adorning his face.

The rattler got his answer when the smaller serpent's body froze up in panic and chucked nervously. The Sheriff hadn't really told anyone about his true origins, even after the water incident.

"Well...yeah." his voice deflated like a ripped tire, staring at ground to avoid eye contact. "You could say I've been one my entire life." Rango braced himself for ridicule or at the very least disdain from the other snake but was pleasantly surprised by his reaction.

"You lucky bastard."

"W-what?" the boa did a double take, eyes widening in surprise.

"Most snake don't live past childhood out here, but you were waited on head and tail by humans of all things." Jake seemed genuinely interested in the Sheriff's origins, leaning closer to the boa. "What made you give _**that**_ up?"

"I didn't." the Sheriff answered, now completely at ease. "I sorta...fell out of the car barely a day before I came to Dirt."

"How did you adapt? The very few pet's I've seen have either gone mad, chased after their owners or got themselves killed. Or all of the above." he snickered darkly.

"Easy, I observed the setting and characters around me and I wrote myself as so to fit into the storyline." his eyes widened as he realised his little ramble. "I err...sorry. I guess there's still a bit of a Thespian in me."

"I'd imagine so. Especially since you crossdressed and put on a fake stage show just to ambush some inbred rodents." the snake replied with a smirk.

The boa yelped in embarrassment, pulling his hat over his eyes. "You heard about that?"

"Yep. Beans told me. Said that it was her dress you took..." the rattlesnake trailed off, expecting an explanation from the smaller snake.

"What's your point?" the boa asked innocently, completely unaware of the ulterior meaning.

"How'd you get it off her, if you know my meaning."

The gears turned and cranked in the green serpent's head until he came to a conclusion. "Oh I just asked her. Better to lose clothes than water." he laughed awkwardly at his own joke. "Why? Did you think I spent the night with her biblically?"

"Pretty much Sheriff." Jake stated, secretly relieved to know that there was nothing going on between the boa and the iguana.

"Contrary to popular belief; I have no "romantic" feelings for Miss Beans. I mean I kissed her twice and one of 'em was on the cheek. But I guess I just plain didn't feel a spark between us." Rango shrugged invisible shoulders, now staring up at the sky.

"A 'spark'?" the rattler wrinkled his nose in confusion.

"Well all of the times I've seen romance, like on the stage or in books is when two people fall in love at first sight there's a spark between them that makes them...I dunno work together, make them completely devoted to one another." he continued to stare at the sky, almost wistfully. "I sorta want that."

"Pretty unrealistic don't you think?" Jake broke the silence, his pride even bruised more so by the Sheriff's little speech.

"Nah, then again in some cases the best friend of the main character pines for them over a significant part of the story with the main character none the wiser until the third act!" the boa explained happily, a great big innocent smile on his face.

Jake groaned loudly and said half-jokingly. "No more of this lovely-dovely bull. My stone heart can't take it."

The green snake laughed at his friend's discomfort, ready to explain other conditions of romance in literature and theatre much to the pit viper's chagrin.

**= I made Jake a bit more direct with his infatuation with Rango, whilst Rango needs someone to spell it out for him. I hope I didn't write any of them out of character. Please Review and comment! :D**


	6. Chapter 6ish

**=Haven't been able to post anything recently, lost my mojo when I got exams. Luckily I now have a new chapter.**

"**Below Deck"**

As the town clock's hour hand ticked past 10, the people of Dirt retired to their homes with their eyes sleepy and their shoes heavy with the collected mud and dust.

Of course there was at least one establishment that stayed bright well into the hours of slumber.

"_**CRASH!" **_

"I told yeh to git outta here!" an agitated bobcat snarled to a drunken bird, tossing him out the window onto his caboose after seeing him aggressively trying to hook up with his girl.

Ah yes Buford's Saloon of Dirt, Nevada was certainly the go-to place for night-owls and nocturnal wanderers.

As the brawl continued outside, the namesake of the establishment spat onto the splintered bar counter and wiped off a greasy stain of melted butter. Ever since the bar started selling food more and more stains have been showing up where they shouldn't.

Tonight especially seeing how it was a Friday night.

Workers came in the moment the whistle blew out the end of another workday, some deciding to stay for a single glass of beer before heading home for dinner with the family while others blew all of their weekly pay right there and then for non-stop rounds of straight Cactus juice.

In the largest and definitely the most lively table sat the esteemed Sheriff Rango. The long serpentine body of the lawman looped around the table legs to avoid tripping anyone walking about the bar.

He seemed to be spinning a mighty long and more than likely fictitious story of how a Sheriff and an former Outlaw took on an entire band of bandits (among other breeds of people such as rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and strangely enough a group of evil _Methodists) by building an exact replica of their town and setting of explosives when they came riding into the fake town._

_Through their laughter strangled lungs and whiskey blurred eyesight they didn't even notice the feared Rattlesnake Jake enter the building, his eye of pure hellfire were fixed on the Sheriff as if he was trying to move him with his mind._

_The patrons noticed how when the boa felt the pit viper's presence he froze up and gave him an equally fixed stare, like a secret language had been formed through (or lack of) eye movements that only snakes knew._

_Excusing himself Rango uncoiled his body from under the table and followed the larger snake out the door into the cool night._

_"Well, I never thought I'd say this..." Spoons muttered, lazily watching the bubbles in his drink form and pop. "It's sure mighty nice having a snake or two around the place."_

_The table agreed, raising their glasses high and nodding. The town had been awfully quite in the past months or so, most likely because of the town's new protectors; Sheriff Rango and the former (or possibly current – no one dared to wonder what the pit viper did in his own time) outlaw Rattlesnake Jake._

_"I swear if it hadn't been for that there Sheriff, we'd be neck deep in bird feathers by now." Elgin, the old bobcat grumbled darkly, taking a mighty swig of whiskey._

_"Indeed, now we're covered in scales." Angelique quipped as she took a short drag of her cigarette. It was rare for the vulpine secretary to visit the tavern but she was not safe from the temptation of strong alcohol. "May even be more soon enough"_

_"Now what could yeh mean by that?" the old mouse questioned, fiddling with three loose poker cards._

_"Multiplication." Doc slurred drunkenly, holding up his index finger in a pronounced manner, "Snakes...pheromones...gravidity...n' neophytes." his head hit the wood of the table with a dull thump, ending his statement abruptly. _

_"Is he sayin' that havin' the Sheriff and Rattlesnake Jake 'round here attract other snakes?" Willie asked cluelessly._

_Wounded Bird do not want to spell it out for them so he simply replied; "Sure, let's got with that."_

**-I'm afraid that I might put this on hiatus to work on a few other things. I hope nobody minds. Hope you can spot the Blazing Saddles joke.**


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